Be Our Guest

Sung to: “Be Our Guest”, from Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast”

A Star Trek VI parody by M. James

(Spoken) My dear Chancellor,
It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure
That we welcome you tonight.
And now, we invite you to relax, let us pull up a chair,

As the Enterprise proudly presents —- your dinner.

Be our guest, be our guest, please put Starfleet to the test.

Tie your napkins ‘round your necks, my friends, and we’ll provide the rest.
That’s a fork, that’s a spoon, that’s a knife we may use soon,
Using fingers is delicious, but we’d rather use the dishes.
We can talk, we can toast, and then all of us can boast,
That the Federation won’t be second best.
While Spock is lighting votives, some are plotting motives,
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

Apple pie, Gagh soufflé, nuts and Plomeek soup flambé.
We’ll amaze and then engross you in our witty repartee.
Don’t be shy; don’t be scared, we have everything prepared.
Starfleet’s mission of containment is this evening’s entertainment.
Have some food, have some ale. It’s illegal, but on sale.
And it’s guaranteed to put us at our best.
Come on and lift your glass, this is your last repast, so be our guest,
(If you’re stressed, you’ll just love the Captain’s mess)
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

Bridge: Life is so unnerving for a crew that’s finished serving.
We were brave, we often saved the galaxy.
Ah, those good old days when we were useful.

Suddenly, those days are history.
25 years we’ve been exploring, doing so much more than touring.
Getting exercise, a chance to use our skills.
Most days we just lay around the starship.
Wrinkled, fat, and balding until Klingons came a-calling!

We have guests; we have guests, even over our protests.
Well, at least we have this evening to get some things off our chest.
We’ll talk peace, quote Shakespeare, watch our manners disappear,
While the crew debates semantics, we hope you’ll excuse our antics.
We’ll get steamed; we’ll get hot, watch your pressure, Mr. Scott.
For we’d never want to cause undue distress
We’ve got a lot to do, is that one lump or two?
For you our guest, you’re our guest, you’re our guest, you’re our guest

You’re our guest, you’re our guest, we can grant your last request.
It’s been years since we’ve had anybody here that we detest.
It’s your meal, be at ease, yes indeed, we aim to please
Khan was our last guest for dinner; this looks like another winner.
We’ll insult, one by one, until you shout, “Enough, I’m done!”
Then we’ll beam you to your ship as you digest.
Tonight we’ll bump you off, and then we’ll sleep it off, so
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest, please be our guest!

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