Sung to: “Maria” from “The Sound of Music”
A Parody by M. James 5/92
HE’S NOT AS QUITE AS STIFF AS HE WAS WHEN HE FIRST APPEARED.
HAD SO MUCH TIME WAITING FOR ACTION THAT HE GREW A BEARD.
HE SERVED ABOARD A KLINGON SHIP AND ATE THERE WITHOUT FEAR.
SO WHAT’S HE DOING SITTING ON A STARSHIP?
HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE WILL RIKER?
WHAT KIND OF JOB DOES HE HAVE IN THIS CREW?
HOW DO YOU CLASSIFY COMMANDER RIKER?
A FIRST OFFICER, A LEADING MAN, A FOOL?
MANY A THING YOU’D LIKE TO SEE HIM DOING.
IN MANY A PLOT YOU’D LIKE TO SEE HIM SHINE.
BUT WHAT GOOD IS A NUMBER ONE
WHOSE JOB IS ALWAYS DONE
BY DATA, GEORDI, RO TO NAME A FEW?
OH, HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE WILL RIKER?
PLEASE, PICARD, FIND SOMETHING FOR HIM TO DO.
HE WILL NEVER SETTLE DOWN, CHASES FEMALES ALL AROUND.
EVEN FALLS IN LOVE WITH BIMBO HOLOGRAMS
HE PLAYS SAX ON HOLODECKS, HE WAS ALMOST KILLED BY SEX,
HE’S ATTRACTIVE – HE’S A HUNK – HE’S A HAM.
HE WILL DO THE DIRTY WORK; GET HIS SHIRT RIPPED LIKE JAMES KIRK.
HE SAVED STARFLEET AND HIS CAPTAIN FROM THE BORG.
HE ATE WORMS AND WRESTLED TAR, HE CAN SAIL AROUND THE STARS,
HOW CAN SUCH A MAN OF ACTION BE A BORE?
HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE WILL RIKER?
WHAT KIND OF DUTY SHOULD HE BE ASSIGNED?
WHAT CAN THE WRITERS DO WITH WILLIAM RIKER?
BUMP HIM OFF, PROMOTE HIM, MAKE HIM RESIGN?
MANY A THING YOU’D LIKE TO SEE HIM DOING.
IN MANY A PLOT YOU’D LIKE TO SEE HIM SHINE.
BUT WHAT GOOD IS NUMBER ONE,
WHOSE JOB IS ALWAYS DONE,
BY DATA, GEORDI, RO TO NAME A FEW?
OH, HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE WILL RIKER?
GIVE HIM A TRANSFER ONTO DEEP SPACE NINE!
